Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Roller Coaster Ride

If you've ever dealt with infertility then you know what a roller coaster ride every month can be. The first of your cycle is filled with disappointment as you accept the fact that your last cycle didn't work. Next, you start looking ahead with huge anticipation. You have sex when you're supposed to (every other day from CD10 to CD24 for me) and you KNOW that this month you were right on and everything is going to turn out great! You're hope begins to build and're getting to the top of the big hill on the roller coaster ride...and then AF comes and ruins it all :-(
That's where I am right now - only it's worse. I REALLY REALLY thought I was pregnant. I mean in the past there have been cycles where I thought I was, but this time I pretty much knew - that's how sure I was. I was nauseous every day, throwing up 3 times last week. My breast were so tender I covered them anytime Brian or Olivia got close just in case they were bumped. I have been EXTREMELY tired...not just tired, but that tired you get when you are first pregnant - if you have ever been pregnant, you know exactly what I'm talking about. My period was also late - my cycle this month was 33 days. I didn't take a pregnancy test because of what happened with the last miscarriage. I had a chemical pregnancy - if I hadn't taken a pregnancy test I probably would have never even known I was pregnant. So I had decided that I couldn't deal with another heartbreak and it was better off if I just waited it out a couple of weeks before taking a test. That won't be necessary now!
My DH says to me last night (after I told him I started), "that's why I didn't want to get my hopes up" I understand what he's talking about, but how do you do this? How do you not get your hopes up? I mean at this point, I feel it's all I have! If I don't have the hope that I will be blessed with a healthy child eventually, then what else do I have? I guess I could start to look at it like Alexis Stewart (Martha's daughter). She was on Oprah last week. She's 42 years old and spending $28,000 a cycle to try to get pregnant. The following is from

"Fertility treatments can be time-consuming and emotionally draining. To keep things in perspective, Alexis says she tries to think of them as part of a job. "If I get too emotional about it, I'll be unhappy all the time or freaked out all the time," she says. "So I look at it as sort of a chore. … Not about having a baby, but what I have to go through to get there."
I guess everyone is different. I mean, it is kind of like a job - you have all these things you have to do each cycle on certain days and in certain orders, and then medicine here and there, but does that take the emotions out of it? It doesn't for me! I get very emotional about it - it doesn't mean that I go around "unhappy all the time or freaked out all the time". It sucks! Yesterday I was a bitch - today, I'm probably still a bitch - and tomorrow, there will probably still be some bitchiness going around, but eventually you pick yourself up and you continue on. You start looking forward to the next cycle.
I have a call into my midwife so she can call in this cycle's drugs, I'll start them on Saturday and we'll buckle up and begin another roller coaster ride. It's the cards I've been dealt! I'm not giving up and throwing in the hand, I'm playing with what I have a depending on a strong support group of family and friends and God to get me through it.


Aimee said...

Oh Shawnie! I can't imagine going through what you're going through! Just know that your in my prayers!

Jen said...

It sucks. It's that glimmer of hope that keeps us on the roller coaster. That and the knowledge that your family is not complete. There is an empty spot at the dinner table~not just Jesse's but another empty spot.

Please know I have been where you are right now. I had lots of those cycles where I was sure it had worked. I think it's the PCOS. Our hormones are so crazy they mimic pregnancy symptoms. I won't spout platitudes at you cuz I know that sucks. Just know we love you guys and will be here no matter what roads you guys go down.

Megan said...

We are all here for you...through bitchiness and everything. I know that the last year has been really hard for you guys, but I beleive there is a reason why you guys keep trying...You are truley special people and God will see you through.