Tuesday, June 17, 2008

anniversaries and dates

When you've suffered a loss it seems as though you are constantly thinking "anniversaries" and "dates"...they're just numbers, but for me at least, I can easily get consumed by them! This pregnancy has been filled with a lot of anxieties and worries as well as a lot of hurdles to cross. We made it past the 5 week mark of my second miscarriage. Then we made it past the 10 week mark of my first miscarriage. We got past the 13 week/1st trimester hurdle. We also survived the 20 week ultrasound and the 24 week blood glucose test and so far, everything is going along great! As I am well aware of, this can change in the blink of an eye, which is why I sometimes feel like I am driving myself crazy with kick counts and NSTs.
Now we are approaching yet another anniversary! On July 22, 2006 we found out Jesse had died and I was 30 weeks and 3 days along in my pregnancy. On July 25, 2006 Jesse was born and I was 30 weeks and 6 days. Right now, I am currently 30 weeks and 1 day - so this next week is going to be filled with a lot of anxiety...and a lot of prayers - I plan to be on my knees a lot this week praying that God continues to breath life into the baby he formed inside my body 30 weeks ago.
I find that I do better when things are busy and I don't have time to dwell on anniversaries and dates and this week just so happens to be the busiest week of my summer! We had my niece and nephew up for a few days last week. Then we spent the weekend in Indianapolis for Father's Day. On Monday Olivia had dance class. After dance we went to the park with some of the girls in her dance class. After that, we took the train into Chicago and met dad for dinner and hung out in Millennium park until way after Olivia's bed time. Today we had pictures for Olivia's dance recital so I spent the morning putting her hair in curlers and getting her all dolled up for that and then in an hour I have another NST and a Dr appointment. Tomorrow is a slow day, but Thursday Olivia has dress rehearsal for her dance recital. Then on Friday, Olivia will have her first dance recital. On Saturday, both sets of Olivia's grandparents will be coming up from Indy to visit and see her at her dance recital on Saturday night. They will all stay the night and then Olivia will go home with my parents on Sunday to spend a couple of nights while Brian and I have a couple of nights to ourselves. We are planning dinner in the city for one of the nights and maybe we'll catch a movie on another night.
I have been dreading the business of this week, but now that I realize that it falls during the same time that I NEED it to be the busiest because of the numbers stuck in my head, I am once again amazed by God's perfect plan! He has been planning this week and packing it full of stuff because He knows that's what I need! It's comforting to know that He's got it all figured out for me - I know that no matter what happens in the future, it's all God's plan and it's perfect in every way - He works out all the details and everything always falls into place.


Leenie said...

Since tomorrow is slow, it's 'spend it over at the O'Neill's house day'. Maybe it will be warm enough to swim. I have a hair appt (THANK THE GOOD LORD) at noon but I think Ree Ree will be here. She' gonna babysit. or We could also make dinner or order out.

mommy24 said...

The invitation is always open to spend time here. I share in your anxiety (and kick-counting!) and will be glad when we kick back in September and look at our miracle children! You and Brian are never far from our thoughts!

Ter said...

((Hugs)) I understand the anniversaries and dates. In fact mine are pretty much the same as yours, the year before. We believe my daughter died sometime on July 22, as she was alive around noon, with a racing heart, but by the next morning, July 23, she was gone and she was born on July 25, as your Jesse was too.

The anniversaries may be "just numbers" but for bereaved parents they are really all we have. It's not unusual to hold on to the dates because they are important, they represent our children's history.

ReeRee said...

Praying for time to fly....You're healthy baby will be in your arms before you know it!
Love Ya!

RM said...

I hope your last weeks go quickly, and with as little worry as possible. You're almost there!!

I Believe in Miracles said...

I'll be thinking about you the next week... Praying away anxiety, and praying for a sense of peace.