A Questionnaire

This was in my cookie magazine this month and I just HAD to share!

WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?
It was easy to find friends in my early 20's: Are you good for a laugh over margaritas after work? If my boyfriend dumps me will you stop by with a copy of Working Girl? You like Tribe called Quest? I like Tribe Called Quest! Then kids came along, and now there's no time to get to know someone, except at drop-off. It got me thinking: Wouldn't it e great (and efficient) if soul-mate material could be detected with eight simple questions? Then I'd know right away whether to take it to the next level with another mom or to just continue casually play dating.

First Name __________________
Last Name__________________
Birth date___________________
Number of Children___________
From 9 to 5, you're ___Home ___Working

The Questions
1. You're at my house for a morning play date, and I bring out lunch. You:
a. are psyched that you don't have to deal with getting lunch for your kid
b. Remind me that your child doesn't like fruits or vegetables, secretly thinking you'll get a Happy Meal later.
c. Throw a body block between your kid and the potentially non organic, trans fat-filled plate I've dished up, then lecture me about the plastic flatware.

2. Your shorthand for your son's and daughter's private parts is:
a. Long John and Font Bum
b. Testicles and Vulva
c. The dirty places

3. In a dark moment, you Googled:
a. Your eighth-grade boyfriend who dumped you for that whore at the Seventh-grade Gym-Jam
b. Anthony from the Wiggles, to see if he's married.
c. The Yale University admissions policy, so you could start working on your 10-month-old daughter's application

4. Our kids are at your house, and my kid, on the cusp of being potty-trained, poops his pants. You:
a. laugh and offer me a clean pair of underwear.
b. laugh and don't offer me a clean pair of underwear.
c. quickly don a pair of rubber gloves, grab a can of Lysol, and throw his soiled undies in a triple-strength Hefty bag.

5. You and your daughter are getting ready for another kid's birthday party. She wants to wear a too-small, stained polyester SpongeBob pajama top. You:
a. Let her. Who cares? It's not exactly an issue of health or safety.
b. Force her out of it and into a ink lace dress with rosebud appliques and patent-leather mary janes.
c. Force her out of it and into a black CBGB T-shirt and Diesel jeans.

6. I'm thinking about signing my kid up for swimming lessons this summer. You're:
a. thinking about it too, but you also might blow it off for another year.
b. Opposed to making kids swim before they're ready.
c. Considering Web-design lessons. After all, she learned to swim at 9 months, and she took Spanish last year.

7. We're pushing our kids on the swings, and another mother mentions that she watched Spinal Tap last night. You say:
a. God, that takes me right back to being stoned junior year.
b. You know, I didn't think that was very funny.
c. Is that the new medical reality show on TLC?

8. We're complaining to each other about our kids. You say that:
a. Sometimes you're not even sure you like yours.
b. Your kid used to be a problem, but you stuck him in his room for five days without food and water, and he's been great ever since.
c. You can't really complain - your kid is just a delight. Oh, and he never watches TV, doesn't like sugar, and tells you he loves you every night before bed.

Deal Breaker #1
Stance on cupcakes in school ___for ___against

Deal Breaker #2
Stance on spanking ___never ___crucial

Answer Key
Mostly As: You seem relaxed, down-to-earth, and willing to be fallible about motherhood. I see us camping together as families and attending our kids' piano recitals, high school football games, maybe mutual weddings. In fact, I'm so desperate for friends, I may start stalking you.

Mostly Bs: We could hang out, but the relationship won't progress beyond play dates and carpooling. You seem uptight about all the wrong things. One of us might get bold one day and suggest we get the husbands together for dinner, but it won't be fun, just awkward.

Mostly Cs: You're not a bad person, and I have no doubt you'll find someone else who also thinks parenting is a serious competitive sport. I just think you would make me more stressed and irritated than being a mom already does. Don't worry - it's not you, it's me.