Thursday, July 16, 2009

I thought it was supposed to get easier

Ever hear the saying, "Time heals the heart"? Doesn't that mean that things get easier with time? I thought so and it has appeared so until it was time to flip the calendar to July this year. July 25th will be Jesse's 3rd birthday and also 3rd anniversary in heaven. Each year it seems as though the work-up to the 25th is the worse, the anticipation, wondering what the day will be like, scared to reach yet another anniversary and then the day usually gets here and it appears as though it isn't half as bad as anticipated - I think this is all by God's grace! Thank God that His grace is sufficient!

But this year seems to be harder than the past and I think it's for a couple of reasons. First, I was blessed with Jack almost a year ago and I look at that little boy all the time and think just how much Jesse would have been like Jack. I'm experiencing all this new "boy stuff" and think, I should have been experiencing it a long time ago...this shouldn't be a new experience for me. I watch Olivia and Jack play together and wonder what it would be like if Jesse was included in the pile of kids on top of their daddy, fighting for mommy's lap or tugging on my shirt.

Another reason it seems harder is the series we are doing at church - Storm Watch. God's timing always amazes me - how appropriate that this series would be in the month of July, 3 years after I went through THE worst storm in my life!!! "Storm Watch" series at church: Why does God allow suffering?, What did I do to deserve this? & Where is God when it hurts? are all up at Crossroads website - click on sermon audio. There will be 2 more sermons in this series, one on July 18 & 19 and one on July 25 & 26. Brian will also be giving his testimony on July 25 & 26 - Jesse died on July 25th and it's his death that turned Brian's life around and he became saved in the hospital chapel while I was in labor with Jesse. I haven't been able to walk into church at all this month without crying and I don't anticipate the next two weeks to be any easier. Some people would say, "then just don't go", I actually LOVE the series and it brings sooo much comfort to me. Of course it brings tears of sorrow as well, but it's more about how God gets us through the storms in our lives and I know it's only through God's grace that I made it through the Storm of my son dying and I know it's only through God's grace that He used such a tragic event to bring Salvation to Brian and I know it's only through God's grace that I continue to make it through each anniversary.

Another reason it seems to be harder this year is because I have felt Jesse's presence so much this month which brings me comfort, but when I "feel" him around me, it just makes me want to hold him so much more. Some of you might be rolling your eyes at what I am about to say, and I was one of you before my son died, but once you experience what I have there doesn't appear to be any explanation. Just recently we have had toys go off in our house that either haven't been played with in years (in the crawl space) or when no one is around. For instance, there is a toy in the living room that we call the Elmo table. It's a toy that a child can stand at and there's buttons to push with music and talking and there is a big Elmo head that wiggles when the toy is being played with. There's also this Cookie monster head and when someone lifts up on his head for him to open his mouth he yells, "OPEN". Brian and I were sitting on the couch the other night after the kids went to bed and all of the sudden it yelled out "OPEN". Within about 15 minutes it made a few other noises before Brian turned it off. There's also a night light at the top of our stairs that has a sensor on it - the only time the night light comes on is when it's dark or someone walks past it and blocks the daytime light. Just recently it will be so sunny in the house and the night light will turn on like someone just walked past it or sometimes it will stay on for several minutes like someone is sitting at the top of the stairs blocking the outside light from it. I look up there and imagine Jesse sitting at the top of the stairs watching his big sister and little brother play together. Also, after Jesse died I started noticing a LOT of butterflies coming around. I would see them every where I would go and they would get really close to me and not be afraid when I would get closer to them. I would get a thought of Jesse and then a butterfly would fly right by my face. Every since then, whenever I see a butterfly I like to think that it's Jesse sending his love from heaven and lately I have had a LOT of butterfly moments - I literately had one smack me in the head at my uncle's house two days ago! It brings so much comfort knowing that he is so near, but at the same time I just want to go grab him and love on him.

In addition to all of these things my Rose of Sharon is starting to bloom. On our way home from the hospital after saying good-bye to Jesse I was just looking out the window and I kept seeing all of these beautiful bushes with these beautiful flowers on them - it was as if I had never noticed them before and their beauty was something I just couldn't get enough of. I started asking people what they were and soon discovered that it was a Rose of Sharon. We planted one in our yard for Jesse's first birthday and it's so neat that it just starts blooming beautiful flowers right around his birthday. After planting it I started reading about the Rose of Sharon and the reference to it in the bible. I had always heard of Jesus being referred to as a rose of Sharon, but after reading more about it, there is no where in the bible that he is referred to AS the rose of Sharon. He is SYMBOLICALLY referred to as the rose of Sharon because He is God's gift to believers - - this is the meaning of Jesse, God's gift! I just thought it was so neat that we picked a name that meant God's gift and then choose to plant something in our yard in remembrance of Jesse and it means the same thing AND blooms at his birthday.

I know that God will get me through another anniversary and I'm so thankful for his love, grace, patience and peace and all the blessings He has given me.

An Angel Never Dies

Don't let them say, I wasn't born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone.
This world was worthy, not, of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes"
But that won't soften your worst blow..
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
another child you'll bear.
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.

Although, I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes..
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An Angel Never Dies........

Author Unknown


ReeRee said...

I have no words...Just sending love your way. I will never forget your precious angel.

On Stage said...

We've been keeping you and Jesse in our prayers. I can't beleive it's been 3 years already.

My Dad paased away in 2001 and I still "feel" him in our house. I am sure Jesse is always with you...
watching over his family.

mommy25now! said...

forever here walking along side of you...longing for the day that we'll see the boys again....

Anonymous said...

beautiful. we think of him too everytime we look at our rose of sharon. we've been praying for you a lot!
much love,
brian, lauren, and sonya