Saturday, July 25, 2009

Happy 3rd Birthday Jesse

I am remembering you today and wishing so much that I could go back 3 years and change everything. You're life was taken from us far too soon and by such surprise. I had no clue that a life could be taken so sudden. I think back to the 7 months that I carried you right next to my heart. I remember what it felt like when you kicked, tossed and turned and I can remember the last time I felt that. Oh to go back....I'd do it in a heartbeat!
Another year has gone by and so much has changed. The room that would have been yours is now Jack's room. The walls that would have been red are now blue. The bedding that would have been lady bugs (since we thought you were a girl) is now construction trucks. Life has gone on, but it is forever changed. There is a whole in my heart that can't be filled with anything that this crazy world has to offer.
I had dreams for you, just as every mom does. I dreamt about holding you as a baby, nurturing you into a little boy, helping you take your first steps, teaching you to throw a ball, helping you ride a bicycle....but most importantly, as most moms would agree, I dreamt about the days of teaching you about God. As a mom, I want my children to have the personal relationship with God that I grew up with. I want them to lean on Him when times are rough and look to Him when times are tough. I want them to have the personal relationship with God that will lead to salvation. I dreamt this for you just as I did for Olivia and Jack, but you made it there already! You are spending eternity with the Maker of heaven and earth and you never had to experience one heartache that this world can hand you. I never had to wipe away a tear from you cheek or calm your fears. I never had to bandage up a boo boo or embrace you when you had a hard time.
I want so much for things to be different. I want you here with me NOW! I want to hold you again. I want to sing to you again. I want to read a story to you and I would absolutely LOVE to hear your voice! I look forward to the day when I will be able to do all of this with you. I just keep trying to think that all these years that continue to go by are not even seconds when it comes to eternity.
I thank you so much for the things that your short life has taught me. I have learned to appreciate things a little more than I ever did before. I try to remember that life can be sooo short and can be taken from us so quickly. I've learned that when I think I can't go on another minute that God can and that His strength is far greater than my own.
I'm so thankful for such an amazing family, church family and friends who have been such a wonderful support system for us. I'm so thankful that you have not been forgotten - that is my biggest fear is that your short little life will not be remembered. Above all, I'm thankful for our Father who has provided us with the strength, courage and peace needed to handle the loss of a child.
Jesse, you will never be forgotten. Until the day I hold you in my arms again I will remember you and what it felt like to carry your body right next to my heart. I will continue to talk about you and to share your brief life with others. You are one of my children and I will not let you be forgotten. I love you so much. Thank you for all that your short little life taught me.

Love always,

Fly high my wee little angel and sleep tight in angel's wings.


Anonymous said...

happy belated birthday jesse! we will never forget you either!
we love you!!!!

brian, lauren, and sonya

Aunt Becky said...

Happy Belated Birthday, sweet boy.