Monday, September 8, 2008

It's panic time

So I'm on my own now...flying solo! Brian returned to work today after being home for 16 days and now I'm left to do it all on my own. I've been a bit panicky all weekend wondering how in the world I am going to pull it off on my own. Not only have we added Jack, but we've also added 3 days of preschool, bible study and dance class.
Let me start by saying, I am not a morning person! By this I mean, I don't like getting up early and having someplace to be before 9AM. How did I ever make it as a private investigator when I had to get up and be on site sometimes as early as 4AM?!? I guess it's not really hard for me to get out the door, but everything else that is involved - getting Olivia dressed, fed and her hair fixed - getting Jack dressed and fed and then topped off before walking out the door so that he makes it 3 hours without needing to nurse.
On the days that Olivia has preschool we have to be out the door by 8:10AM so I'm just panicking that I'm going to be on my own starting this week and I'm just wondering if I'm capable of doing it all. I see all these other moms who pull it off with even more kids than my two so I know it's possible, but I'm just freaking out. Is this normal? Am I capable of doing this? Are my feelings normal?
On another note, I feel guilty when it comes to Olivia. I feel guilty that she isn't the center of attention anymore. I feel guilty that I can't tend to her the minute that she needs it. I feel guilty that she wants so much of my attention when I am not able to give it to her - like when I'm tending to Jack. I feel like I've pushed her to the side to take care of Jack. She's my little princess and my first baby and I hate that I'm always telling her "no, not right now." "Olivia, stop doing that." "Olivia get off the chair while Jack is nursing." I just feel like I'm always yelling at her for something or telling her to "go play". Is this normal? I know she's not going to be scarred for life because of all of this stuff, but I just feel guilty.
After all this bitching, let me just say that I am so thankful for all of this. This is what I have prayed for for years. I'm so thankful that God has blessed our family with another child and I wouldn't want it any other way. I just have to deal with some of my emotions and get things figured out and a schedule in place so that everything starts to flow.

I also have to just take a minute to say how awesome my husband was over the 16 days that he was home. First of all, he was an amazing labor coach! We hired a doula who was there every step of the way, but Brian never left my side unless he had to go to the restroom. He was with me constantly and was the best coach ever! Then, starting on day one, he was up making breakfast for us. He took care of most of the meals - we're not just talking cereal and frozen waffles - we would make pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, breakfast sandwiches...and that was just for breakfast. He did the same for lunches and dinners - I think we only ate out once or twice for lunch and we didn't eat out at all for dinner - he took care of it all! (I did make dinner 2 times - only because I didn't trust him to make meatloaf and real mashed potatoes and turkey pot pie) In addition to taking care of us, he also got some stuff done around the house like repairing the wood around the garage door and re-painting it and painting the shed... So I just want to say a big thank you to my wonderful husband for all he did while he was home. He took two weeks vacation time and worked his butt off - not exactly a nice relaxing 2 week vacation! Thanks hunny - YOU'RE THE BEST!!


Aimee said...

It'll take time to adjust, but I'm sure you'll figure out a schedule that works for you guys!!

On Stage said...

Hang in there Shawnie!
It will get easier. You, too are going through a lot of changes right now. Does the preschool offer an afternoon class? I'm free on Tuesdays and Thursdays. We'll get together to destress.

Jen said...

Olivia can join Caroline in therapy! :-) She'll get used to the chaos. It's great that she has preschool b/c it's her thing that Jack can't encroach on. The first 3 months are the hardest. As far as mornings go, it's all about prep. Clothes laid out, hair stuff ready to go, breakfast on the table, bags packed and in the car. I even have a breakfast schedule~french toast on M, Oatmeal on T, ect. You'll settle in.

Megan said...

Boy do I know that feeling! I feel the same way about Reece too. But don't worry. I'm sure Olivia would trade the limelight just to have Jack around:)

amanda said...

YES, you are normal!!!! That transition from one to two was my hardest one of all. It just seems much change all at once. But you WILL get into your own groove and you WILL manage. Older kids are more resilient than we think. Just try to have at least some special 'mommy/O' time each day when you a book, paint her doesn't have to be a big deal. And I agree with Jen on the prep the night before, although I'm not always very consistent at it. I find that when I am, though, things sail much more smoothly.
Don't be afraid to ask for help if you're feeling overwhelmed. My PPD started with my 2nd (not trying to scare you!!!) and I just didn't know what to do...reach out...make a phone call to someone who understands (my number is 616-554-3319) :), ask someone to come over so you can catch a nap. People LOVE to help, sometimes they're just waiting to be asked.
Hang in can do it!!!!!
Big hugs to you!!!

ReeRee said...

Hang in there! Everything you are feeling is normal. I cried for three days when Joey was born because I felt bad for Noah. Everything will turn out. If Olivia doesn't get hair braids, or if you have to wear your Saturday outfit to bible study, the world will not end. I can help anytime you need me.

mommy to an angel said...

I actually started the night before prep from day one - I'm a planner, just ask Brian! So I do get everything ready the night before - it's not so much the day to day chaos that freaks me out, I think it's the thought that I might fail...does that make any sense?
The preschool does offer an afternoon class which would make thing easier as far as getting out of the house for preschool, but Olivia still takes naps - I'm hoping that Jack will get into a schedule where he takes his morning nap while Olivia is at school and then the two of them will take their afternoon naps together - allowing me two breaks throughout the day! In a perfect world, right?

Thanks for all your encouragement!

Jen said...

We all fail. There is no "success" in parenting. The older my kids get the more I realize how little control I have. Embrace that and you're golden.

Still Sane said...

I remeber actually getting slight panic attacks on Sunday nights knowing Mike was going to work the next day. But of course we got used to it, and had a routine. They surely change as the baby changes, but our girls are strong and they understand.
I used to feel terrible as well, but I'd lay Mikey down earlier and just have girl time. We also started Ella & Mommy starbucks mornings on Sundays.:)
Besides, after all my guilt, my kids are BEST friends, and hate to be separated!

Kristi Barnett said...

I smiled reading this post and yet I also remember the pangs in my heart, when I realized how much Brad's world had changed when Maddy came along. Yes having to tend to more than 1 is different, for you both, but please hear my words...a sibling is the best gift you can give a child!! Plus, I think it is better for a child to learn earlier in life that the world does not revolve around them...because it truly doesn't!!
It's a lesson better learned sooner than later! You will all be fine...hang in gets better!